How Did I Miss This?

Things had always been a little hard for K.  She did okay in preschool but not as well as I would like her to...especially considering I was her teacher.  Kindergarten came and she did well.  He teacher made a little book of all the things the kids needed to learn in first grade.  You kept the book at home and worked with your child and each time you passed off a skill you initialed the page and sent it in.
I would talk to my friends who had daughters in the same class to gage where there kids were at academically and it seemed to me that K was doing fine.  I volunteered in the class so I could see who was doing what and I knew that K was not one of the TOP students but she seemed to be running with the middle or high middle of the pack so to speak.

First grade came...along with sight words and actual book reading.  K struggled a little bit but I chalked it up to being one of the youngest in her class (Her birthday is August and the cut off is September).  We worked really hard on our sight words and read at least 5 times a week for 15 minutes. By the end of the year her reading seemed to have greatly improved and she was on grade level. They did a little addition but it was near the end of the year so when she struggled a little I didn't really worry.

Second grade came.  K's first grade teacher although great academically wasn't really...what's the word?...she really didn't become attached to the students...never really offering affection, attention, or compliments...a little cold.  So really what I wanted for 2nd grade was a teacher who just loved Kylie...who made her feel special.  Well we got her.  I knew that we had the right teacher when Mrs. C asked the parents at back to school night if it was okay if she hugged our kids.  "YES!"  I wanted to shout!
K struggled with addition and subtraction.  They had to complete those time tests where you do all 5 rows of the 2+ in a minute and then the 3+ in a minute and so on and so on.  K never got past the 3+ and the 3-.  When I tested her she seemed to get the concept so I thought maybe it was just the pressure of doing it in a certain time.  We continued to read...working on speed and fluency.  Our parent teacher conference with Mrs. C was always enjoyable.  She pointed out areas for improvement in math but always smiled and offered words of encouragement...saying that she loved how hard K worked and how she would ask questions when she didn't understand something.
K's confidence blossomed but her math skills continued to tank. I thought "that's fine, not everyone is good at math."  I was fooling myself.  They started spelling tests in 2nd grade.  Mrs. C used a program I learned about in one of my Master's classes (that I love) called WORDS THEIR WAY.  K did well with this program, but at the second PTC I noticed that she did great (80%-90%) when on the weeks I really helped her every day but if there was a week when I was a little busier she did horrible (like 30%)

Our summer was busy.  We moved into a new house in May and I had our fourth child B at the end of June.  Our new house had an unfinished basement but it wasn't possbile to finish a preschool room in the short amount of time so I would now have to commute to our old house to teach preschool three days a week.

Kylie's first assignment in 3rd grade was writing in her journal..every night.  As I sat with her I became VERY frustrated that her tall letters weren't tall and her small letters weren't small.  She also was still mixing up her /d/ and /b/'s.  I had noticed this in first grade but it was still not a big deal because she was only 6.  I showed her how to make a bed with her thumbs to know the difference in 2nd grade...and now I was finally thinking you're 8 you should know the difference between the two.
Her letter and word spacing was crazy...everything smashed together so when she made a mistake there wasn't enough room to erase and correct.  I finally told her not to write anything without me sitting right next to her.  One day I got so frustrated that I yelled at her.  I'm ashamed to say I screamed "SPACE, SPACE, SPACE..JUST LEAVE SPACE!!!"
I also noticed that even when I spelled the word to her she would still mix up the letters.

Her reading was not doing well either.  She was starting to get her rhythm down but she would read big words and the omit words like 'the,and, of.'  I would tell her, "read every word!" I woudl stress because as ateacher I knew when they test to see if she was on grade level the use her WPM (Words Per Minute) minus errors...and if you omit words it counts as an error.  She would also read for for from and other words that looked alike.

She brought home math homework...really an assignment she hadn't finished in class.  Another organization and spacing catastrophe. You couldn't tell the problem number from the answer and again everything was CRAMMED together.  There was not enough space to correct the ones she had done wrong.  I remember just throwing the entire thing away and starting over showing her how to circle the problem number and only put one problem on a line..skipping lines in between.

I was at my boiling point and there were tears from her and angry words from me at almost every homework assignment. 
I am not proud to admit it but I yelled and got frustrated. 
I made her cry.
Horrible, I know.

And did I mention I am prechool teacher with a Master Degree in Elementary Education.

How could I have failed to see that my child had struggles...real struggles?
I wanted to believe that because she was the youngest in her class she needed just a little more time to understand and master things.  I thought Well not everyone is great at math...as long as she understands it she doesn't have to be fast.

And if I'm being truly honest...I got busy, I got lazy, and every other reason that I have for why I don't parent better.